Innocent Insanity
by KIS'E'productions
Summary: Neither of them really knew what they were doing, even if they thought they did. Neither of them thought they were in love, even if they were. Or could have been. Yullen, for Novelist Pup. Happy 17th Birthday!


Um, hubby, can you forgive me for still not finishing your real present? I'm so sorry, we wanted to have it done by your birthday, but **Abreaction **got her comp taken away for some unexplainable reason and I can't finish it without her. I _need _her epicness to finish it. I feel just _awful _and I know, I'm a really bad person. I don't deserve your love anymore, please forget about me and move on to someone who can truly make you happy *_cries_*.

Well, either way, I wrote this last night at the last minute…so it's obviously not good enough, but I still hope you sort of like it. Also, sorry it seems a bit iffy. I'm not good at writing anything that isn't Yullen, even if it's one-sided, so it was sort of hard to do this…oh well.

**Warnings**: Enough clichés to choke on, barely any originality, lemons, angst, OOC, language, one-sided love because this is still Yullen to the third power, and the ever present happily never after that follows the Bakappuro around like a creepy stalker.

**Disclaimer: **Kanda is a fucking automaton, enough said.

**Innocent Insanity**

**-**

"You know, one day he's going to find out you're in love with him."

Allen opened his eyes, panting, too busy impaling himself on the older man's cock that it took him a while to understand what he had said. But when he did, he narrowed his silver eyes and roughly dropped himself on Kanda's lap without warning. Giving the Japanese a dark glare, he grabbed his hips and began to thrust down, filling himself to the brim.

"I believe that's none of your business, Kanda," he coolly answered, a sort of breathless tone to his voice. "So please keep your mouth shut if you're not going to do anything, it ruins my mood."

Clicking his tongue, the man returned his glare before he let out a soft grunt when Allen squeezed his erection between his pale thighs, driving that hot organ deeper inside his body as he continued to move his slim hips above him. Leaning against the door of the closet they were in, he curled the fingers of his right hand around that small waist while he watched him through a couple of dark locks that had fallen over his eyes. He usually didn't let the brat take control, it was a weakness in his eyes to let someone overpower him, even when it came to this. Yet, he hadn't done anything this morning when the English had shoved him against a wall in the middle of training, pressing fevered kisses against his lips while he had tried to undress him as quickly as possible. No level-headed man would complain about having a warm, willing body pressed against them, tempting them with dark promises and occult pleasures. And neither had he. Grinning, he grabbed a fistful of that snowy hair, pulling on it with little to no gentleness as he locked his dark eyes with silver-plated ones.

Allen felt a smile curving his lips when he saw the expression the samurai was wearing, although it was a bit hard to leave the bitterness out of it. Looking away from those dark eyes, he instead looked down at the elaborate tattoo on that peach colored chest, needing something to distract him even if only a little.

He didn't know when it had really started. He didn't know why he let it happen. Allen was sure that inside of him some part of his subconscious was screaming at him for his stupidity. It was a bad idea, a really bad idea. Why couldn't he realize that? No. He knew it was bad idea, had know it was from the very beginning. After all, it had all happened so smoothly, hadn't it?

It had been months since he had joined the Order, almost a year, and Allen could still remember his first crush. He had been fifteen, a teenager, so it hadn't been a surprise that something like that would one day happen. It was normal, despite being a weapon, he was still human, or something close to it anyway.

Lenalee Lee was a very beautiful young girl, only a year older him. Her smile had reminded him of Mana, and he had clung to that for as long as possible. Over time, he had gotten to know her better, and he had found out that she was just as nice as he had thought she would be. Kind, smart, and warm. Lenalee was a perfect catch for any young man, and he often woke up from his sleep covered with sweat and with a dark blush on his cheeks, needing to take a cold shower before he went down for breakfast.

She was perfect, he knew she was perfect. If there was anyone out there who he could start a family with, it would be with her. With Lenalee Lee, that warm girl that had soon become his best friend as well as his secret crush. Every time he looked at her, he felt butterflies in his stomach and the characteristic nervousness of a first love.

But that was all she was, a first love.

His love for her had vanished to be replaced with a different kind of affection, and the flutters of his heart whenever he was around her disappeared after months of knowing her. Just like his hopes for a warm home and a loving family. Allen knew he would never be able to have those things, because sinners like him didn't have a right to have them. Besides, Lenalee had been his only door to that world, a door that couldn't be opened if he didn't have a key. No, he did not lover her, he had at some point, but that love had been lost when he had grown up and realized that the world wasn't as pure and as beautiful as he had thought it to be. It was a dark and lonely placed that needed rescuing, and if he wanted to save it, there was no way for him to have all those warm hopes when he could die out there any day.

Lenalee deserved better. She deserved someone better than him, someone who wouldn't leave her and choose an ugly world over her love and warmth.

She had been Allen's first love, but that was it. And now, instead of dreaming about the life they could have had together, he prayed for her to find that someone just for her and be happy with him.

"_Oi_. Idiot, either you move or I'll make you move."

Snapping out of his thoughts, he gasped when he was roughly pushed down on the cold floor, wincing as Kanda carelessly pulled out of him. Bastard, million times bastard. Blinking away the couple of tears that had formed in his eyes, he placed his left hand on the man's chest before he grabbed his legs.

Looking downright irritated, the other scoffed and braced his hands against each side of his head. "What the hell is wrong with you now, brat?" he asked, tucking a strand of black hair behind one ear as Allen's hand stopped him from getting any closer.

Swallowing, he shook his head. Not saying anything, he ignored the taller boy's curious look when he reached out and grabbed a couple of those long black locks, smiling as he remembered Lenalee's own long hair, and how proud she had been of it. She looked cute with short hair too, and he always made sure to tell her that every day.

Startled when fingers wrapped themselves around his wrist, he scowled up at the man on top of him. Seeing the kind of expression Kanda was wearing, he let go of his hair, laid down and spread his legs for him to continue, sighing in irritation.

That was one of the reasons why he had picked Kanda as his partner for this 'affair', if it could even be called that. Sometimes it could, other times, well, not so much. Closing one eye in discomfort when he felt that hard, hot and long organ fill him up again, he clawed at the floor with his nails in a way to bear the ever present pain he felt every time Kanda fucked him.

Long hair, he liked long dark hair.

"Shit," Kanda cursed, grip on his hips tight, and Allen knew there would be bruises left. "Open your legs a bit more, kid."

Rolling his eyes, arms over his head, he gasped when the tip of the his cock brushed against _that _place inside of him. "I'm tired. Do it yourself if you want me to spread my legs for you that badly, bastard."

A hard thrust was his answer, and he bit his lower lip to stop what could have been a scream from slipping past his lips. Glaring at him, tears clouding his vision, he yanked on that long black hair, pleased to hear the hiss of pain that escaped the other's mouth. He regretted it seconds after, when Kanda flipped him on his stomach and raised his hips up, plunging himself inside without a moment's notice.

Hot blush on his cheeks, either from embarrassment or anger, he cursed the man with every foul word he could think of. He absolutely loathed this position, more than anything else the man had ever done to him, he hated this the most. It was humiliating, filled his chest with shame, seeing himself on his hands and knees underneath another man. It was a bit hypocritical of him, he knew that, but he still had a bit of his dignity left, and being fucked like an animal wasn't something he enjoyed in the least. But Kanda would never understand something like that, he was a brute, a shameless bastard with barely any principles.

Kanda was nothing like _him_.

His blush darkened when he felt a hand on his waist, long elegant fingers tracing the shape of his hips with the tiniest bit of delicacy. It made those butterflies flutter in his chest, but not because it was Kanda touching him. Not, it wasn't because of that.

He may not have anything in common with him, but Kanda's hands were just as warm and big as his, another reason why he had picked him as his would-be 'lover'. He had big, warm hands.

Just like Lavi's.

Smiling softly, he pressed his hot cheeks against the cold floor, gently closing his eyes as he tried to ignore the man behind him and pretend it was someone else touching him so intimately.

Lenalee may have been his first love, but Lavi was his real one.

It had been strange, falling in love with Lavi. Not because he was a man, after all, Allen was already tainted by his many sins, one more wouldn't hurt one bit. But because the red-head was so…different from who he had thought he would fall in love with. Lavi was adventurous, the kind of person that liked to live on the dangerous side of life, when all Allen had ever wanted was a quiet home in the countryside and a simple yet loving wife at his side. Falling in love hurt, his experience with Mana had taught him that, but he had been willing to risk it and try to achieve that little bit of happiness, even if Lavi wasn't his ideal dream 'girl'.

It made him feel so warm inside, that after months of knowing and living with him, he had come to care so much for the future bookman.

And that's why he would never have him, why he sneaked around his back and slept with his best friend while he thought of him. Lavi was a bookman, a recorder of history or so the red-head said, and bookmen had no need for a heart. For love, for him. Even if Lavi felt something for him, it would never be possible. Allen knew Lavi loved what he did, despite all his complains about working all day and night, he knew the older boy liked recording important history normal people would never have access to, and that he would never give it up for anyone or anything.

Tears that had nothing to do with the light bit of pain he still felt ran down his cheeks, and he quickly wiped them away despite that he knew Kanda would simply interpret them as a sign of pain instead of what they really were. Grunting when the man thrust into him particularly harshly, his knees almost buckled underneath him and he had to brace himself against his elbows, unwillingly giving him more access to his body. Bastard would probably take that the wrong way, no doubt about that. Breathing a little heavily, he tried not to listen to the soft pants behind him, not to hear the sound of naked skin against naked skin, the union of their bodies.

Leaning against his back, long black locks sticking to his sweaty skin, Kanda grinned against his neck. "Heh. You really are a little bitch, kid. Do you like spreading your legs for me that much?"

Panting softly now as he tried to drown out his moans, he felt a bitter smile bloom on his lips when the Japanese pulled him back on himself, going in even deeper than before.

Letting his best friend fuck him like a common whore, Allen hoped Lavi never found out about his shameful secret. He wouldn't be able to bear that, see his look of disgust, the hatred in his eyes if he ever saw them like this. The mere thought of it made him feel so much pain. He didn't know how Kanda had found out about his feelings for the red-head, he didn't want to know, he only hoped the man would never tell him of this. That was all he could hope from someone this cold and insensitive.

Gasping when he felt the other briskly grabbing his leg, he turned around and laid on his side, wincing when Kanda went in again. Smirking at him, the samurai kissed his thigh, brushing his cheek against the tender skin as he continued to hold his leg over his shoulder while he moved his hips. It made the blush come back with a vengeance. Glaring at him one last time, Allen turned away and looked at the wall in front of him, not giving the bastard any of his attention as he continued to fuck him. He didn't like to look at him while they did this, and neither did he like talking to him. It made it feel intimate, made it feel like it was _something_ when it wasn't anything at all.

Covering his face with his arms, he pressed his lips together and tried to hide the trembling of his shoulders.

Allen knew that doing this wasn't right, that it was more than wrong. But…he felt so alone. He hated that feeling, the feeling of nothingness in his chest every time he was stuck inside the four walls of his room with nothing to keep him going but the old, almost fading memories of his precious father. That was the only thing, the only reason why he was here. Loneliness had been what had drove him to seek Kanda out that one night, practically throwing himself at the man like one of those many cheap women his Master had slept with. He felt a chuckle escape his mouth when he remembered the kind of look the swordsman had drawn on his face when Allen had begun to undress in front of him. It was probably the only time the stoic man had ever been so surprised, his only moment of weakness, no matter how small and brief it had been. Kanda was a man after all, behind that stoic and cold attitude he was very much a man, and men had needs.

So that's how it had started it, this shameful secret he did his best to hide from everyone else. Out of loneliness, he had sought this man out of loneliness. Had he really been pathetic enough to settle for the best friend of the man he loved? Or, had he figured out that if he couldn't have the one he wanted, he would go for the second best thing? Kanda was good looking, he was willing to admit that. If he felt anything for the older man, it would have to be some sort of physical attraction. Long dark hair, warm hands, he was almost the perfect substitute for his selfish needs. Almost.

He let out sound of protest when he felt something sticky and warm fill the recesses of his body, grimacing in utmost disgust when he felt the other's seed slowly running down his thighs. Damn it, damn bastard. He always asked him not to do that, yet the asshole always did it anyway. Swallowing with difficulty, he tried to slow down the beating of his heart back to its regular rhythm again. Asshole, he didn't know how he could stand him, despite that he was the only person that could make that loneliness go away.

It was almost like…like a drug of choice, wasn't it?

Smiling, Allen allowed himself to be turned around, not saying anything when the dark-haired exorcist briskly grabbed his face in his calloused hands and began to kiss his lips, biting them to make sure they stayed open.

Sometimes, when he wasn't too angry or too busy and had nothing else to do, he liked to wonder why Kanda had agreed to this. Was it simply because of the sex, or was it because, despite whatever he said, he felt something for him? Not love, of course, never love. Allen didn't think it was possible for Kanda to love _anyone_, it wouldn't suit him at all. Because, after all, he did feel something for him. It was a very strange feeling, a feeling one might feel for an older brother or someone they thought highly of. Perhaps it was just comradeship. Yes, it was only that. If Kanda felt anything for him, it was probably just some sort of comradeship too.

Or, or was it that he was lonely too? Just like him, was Kanda lonely? It could be possible, no matter how slim the chance was. Everyone was lonely at some point of their life, because they were human. And Kanda was human too, he had a heart and felt emotions just like everyone else. **(1)**

Although, that was his reason for sleeping with Kanda. He couldn't compare the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole with whatever had convinced the Japanese to have this secret affair with.

As he stared up, slightly dazed, at the cream-colored ceiling he tried to block out the sound of Kanda leaving love bites on his neck. His body was hot, covered in sweat and God knew what. Allen closed his eyes in surrender, the sound of his sigh seemingly alerting the older man-who had lost himself in whatever he was doing-of his presence.

"Are you lonely, Kanda?" Allen wondered aloud, speaking more to himself than to the other exorcist. "You're lonely too aren't you? Pathetic jerk." The weight of the insult was lost in its quietness.

"_Che_. I'm not you, imbecile," Kanda murmured, moving down the snow-haired boy's collarbone. "Only a crybaby like you would worry about shit like that."

"I…" He winced, not really listening to him as he tried to get the pain off his chest even if only for a little while. "I'm okay. Being close to him is okay. Even if-ah! K-Kanda!" Allen had to stop when the older exorcist decided that he was ready for round two.

"Fucking rabbit is an idiot."

Allen managed to lift his head high enough to glance at his companion. He did not want to discuss Lavi with this man, not with this jerk, and when they were doing _this _of all things? It felt like a betrayal.

"Don't talk about someone else when you're fucking _me_, bastard! Even if you don't love me, have the decency to keep your mouth shut!" he snapped, forgetting that he had been the first to allude to Kanda anyway.

Kanda simply smirked, throwing his hair back as he pressed their lips together again. "You're both a fucking pair of idiots, it's like you were made for each other," he mocked him, licking his lower lip before burying his face in his chest, hands at his bruised hips again.

Allen hated this. Sneaking around behind Lavi's back, secretly coming to his best friend for sex, it was the worst. The complete worst. Two people taking out their loneliness on each other? He wanted to laugh. It was so pathetic.

Yet, after each of their secret trysts, Allen was left dazed enough to forget his worries, always coming back for more despite how much he didn't want to because Kanda made the loneliness go away.

Even if only a little.

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"What do you even see in that idiot?" Kanda asked, pressing his back against his so they could sit without having to look at each other in the silence of the training facilities, too early in the morning for anyone to be here. "He's a complete dumbass. Even someone like _you _could do better than him, brat."

It was odd, if not a complete rarity, for Kanda to voice out his thoughts. He was so used to their quick flings, always quiet and simply letting out their frustrations on each other. Then again, Jeryy had been sick this morning, so maybe the lack of soba had gone to the bastard's head. Allen pretended to flick through the paperwork he was supposed to fill out to conceal his surprise.

"Well, why do _you _hate him so much?" he finally asked, when it looked like the man was getting ready to chop off his head with his precious sword.

"In case you didn't know, that idiot sleeps with everything that moves as long as it has a nice fucking pair of breasts," Kanda continued, eyes still closed as he ignored his question.

Allen curled his toes, shivering a bit. Even though it was already spring, it was hardly warm and Kanda's back wasn't exactly the best heater one could wish for, not to mention that it was rather hard. Kanda was, as usual, training, but even so he felt like a trespasser, being here when the Japanese usually trained by himself before anyone else woke up. He would have also been asleep but for some reason, he had wanted to spend some time with the jerk. Ah, it was probably his lack of sleep, why else would he want to be around this guy?

Sighing, he glanced behind him at Kanda, who had closed his eyes again as he continued to meditate, something he had never been able to do. Too impatient, that was probably why.

"I know that Lavi sleeps around," he replied at length.

Kanda's back stiffened. "So then why?"

Allen blushed and began to rapidly leaf through his stack of paperwork. "…I'll tell you in fifty years."

"_Che_. You won't be around here for that long, kid."

Frowning, he glared at the man's back. "You're older than me, grandpa, so you'll probably kick the bucket first."

"Hm. Probably," the other flippantly said, ruffling his hair before he stood up.

Silver eyes wide from the sudden touch, he blinked as Kanda walked to the pillar closest to the them, muttering something under his breath as he yanked someone out of the shadows with very little delicacy.

"Ah, Lavi!"

Hands still trying to fix his hair, Allen felt his cheeks heat up when the red-head smiled a little nervously at him, sheepishly running a hand in his red hair as Kanda threw him on the ground, stepping over him to walk over to the younger boy. Silver eyes widened again, and he was seconds away from moving out of the Japanese's line of vision before his brain kicked in. Really, he could be so forgetful sometimes, Allen thought as he looked at his side and saw _Mugen_'s black scabbard laying close to him.

Picking the sword up, wincing when he noticed how incredibly heavy it was, he handed it to the samurai when those dark blue eyes glared at him. For some reason, his cheeks grew warmer when their fingers accidentally brushed against each other's, and he quickly looked away.

"Brat." Accepting his _Innocence _without any words of gratitude, Kanda rested his sword in one shoulder and scoffed down at him. "Be a man and tell him already, or just give up on him. Have enough balls to at least do that."

Blinking, Lavi frowned as he looked them with his natural curiosity, a mischievous smile soon blooming on his lips. "Tell who what, Yu-_chan_? Ooh! I wanna know, tell me all the juicy details!"

Flushing with anger, he stood up and glared death at the older exorcist, who seemed not care the least bit about it. "Shut up!" he snapped, wanting nothing more than to throttle the man in front of him.

Startling him, the cheery red-head threw himself at his back, almost knocking him out of balance. "Aw, come one, _Moyashi_-_chan_! Tell me what you two are so secretly gossiping about, after all, we're all best friends here aren't we?"

Swallowing as the heat of his cheeks increased, Allen tried to pull away from the taller boy, flustered. "N-nothing, Lavi. It's just that _Bakanda _here finally snapped and went off the deep end. Next thing we'll know he'll be wearing Lenalee's skirts."

Lavi whistled, waggling his eyebrows at the disgusted looking Japanese. "Damn, I'd like to see that! Yu's got great legs in case you didn't know, _Moyashi_-oh come on, let's put the sword down, Yu."

"Shut the fuck up, rabbit," the furious exorcist gritted out through tightly clenched teeth, roughly shaking the red-head by the collar of his shirt. "And what the hell are you even doing here anyway?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Lavi grinned. "Well, I heard my cute little baby brother was all alone with big scary Yu, so I came here to make sure you didn't eat him up of course!"

Immediately, he was shaking his head, cheeks on fire as he tried to laugh at the ridiculousness of the junior bookman's words while hiding his panic. "Please, like I would ever touch that bastard. I have better taste than that."

Snorting, Kanda crossed his bare arms over his chest at the same time Lavi laughed, slapping the snow-haired exorcist's back. "I'm sure you do, kid. But seriously." Pouting, he looked at him with a teary green eye, bottom lip trembling. "Care to tell your big brother Lavi what's going on?"

If possible, his cheeks were warmer, and those butterflies were once again fluttering inside his stomach like crazy. Stammering, he tried not to look at him, tried to make sure the older exorcist didn't notice how pathetically in love he was with him. It wouldn't be fair to push his feelings on him. Allen was sure that he would only make Lavi feel bad if he ever grew enough courage to confess to him. He didn't want that, as long as he could be close to him, it would be enough for him. He was already being selfish by wanting him, he didn't need to make the red-head suffer along with him too.

It was okay, as long as they stayed friends and Lavi didn't hate him, Allen could be happy.

"_Oi_. Rabbit, the brat and I are leaving," Kanda suddenly said, grabbing him by the back of his shirt none too gently. "I promised him I would kick his ass, so tell that sister-complex and the kid's stalker that we'll be here all day if they need us and that if they value their lives, they better not bother me before I'm done with him."

T-that stupid idiot! Did he want to tell the whole damn world about them? Didn't he care that they could get in big trouble for sleeping with someone of the same sex, or was Kanda as stupid as he had originally thought him to be?

"Move it, kid," he ordered, giving him a glare as he continued to drag him farther away from the red-headed exorcist.

Trying to keep up with the other's long strides, he looked back and gave Lavi a weak smile as the red-head frowned at them with confusion.

Yes, as long as he could stay near him, as long as Lavi never found about how truly disgusting he was, it was okay.

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

"…I hate you."

Allen's sigh was muffled by the pillow in which he had decided to bury his face. With a thin sheet wrapped around his waist, his naked torso burned in the coldness of Kanda's room as they once again met in secret.

"Shut up," Kanda replied laconically, throwing himself around on the bed so his back was facing the wall.

He drew his legs closer towards himself, hoping to be wrapped up in the bed sheets and disappear in a sea of whiteness; a vast ocean of nothing where he could forget all his pleasures and pains and the guilty feeling of wretchedness that always welled up after his trysts with Kanda.

"I'm serious. I hate you."

"I know, so shut up already."

"I'll hate you forever and ever until the day I die!" he moaned vehemently into his horribly abused pillow. "I'll never forgive you, you bastard!"

Kanda's shifting body unsettled the mattress. Not bothering to cover his nakedness, he sat up and rubbed his temples before glaring at him with irritation, anger very clearly written across his handsome features. "You make it sound as if I raped you or something. Even though you were the one begging me to keep going-"

The full force of a carefully aimed pillow hit his head with a low '_whump_'.

"You-you damn jerk!" and indignant and ticked off Allen grabbed a second pillow and threw it with all his might, hitting Kanda straight in the face.

Allen swore to himself that this would be the last, the absolute last time he would play fuck bunny with this bastard, knowing full well that by next week at the latest he would secretly stop by the man's room without anyone knowing and try to find the comfort he knew would be missing in Kanda's arms.

He always came back. Always.

Running his hands in his pale hair, he threw himself back on the bed, wrapping the thin bed sheets around his spent body. He couldn't get more pathetic than this, he just couldn't. Sighing, he tucked a tuft of white hair behind one ear, shivering when he felt a pair of warm lips against his neck. Damn, insatiable bastard didn't know when to fucking quit did he?

Muffling his sound of protest when the other grabbed his hips, pressing his back against his chest, Allen pushed at him with his left hand. "Stop it. We just did it, jerk."

"It's not my fault you're too much of a wimp to last more than a couple of rounds," Kanda said against the skin of his shoulder, long dark hair caressing the younger boy's sides. "Besides, this is my room. So either shut up and stay still or get the hell out."

Rolling his eyes, he let out a soft sigh. Glaring at him for all he was worth, he pushed away from him and laid down on the bed on his back, pulling the bed sheets down to his hips. It was embarrassing, showing himself to him like this, it didn't suit him at all. But, even if Kanda's words were biting and cruel, his body was always so warm. He wanted that, to feel that warmth even if it was coming from this insensible bastard. It made the loneliness a little more bearable.

Pressing their lips together, he buried his hands in the other's dark hair, parting his lips to let him enter his mouth. Not bothering to close his eyes, he let himself go as those warm hands began to caress his thighs, drifting upwards to his hips then back down again. Well, at least the asshole was good at this. If he had to chose someone to fuck around with, his Master had once told him, he ought to chose one with enough experience under their felt to make him feel good.

Even if it wasn't the one he really wanted, he was at least getting something good out of it, right?

"It's stupid, you know that don't you?" Kanda suddenly asked as he pulled away, a little too nonchalantly for Allen's liking, pressing his naked body against the younger boy as he pinned his wrists to the bed.

Panting heavily from the long kiss, Allen snapped, "What is?"

"You're never going to tell him, are you? So you're just going to watch and pine from afar? Fuck, I knew you were stupid but this is just pushing it, kid." Licking his collarbone, nibbling at the fair skin, the man pulled away when he was satisfied with the color of the bites he had left on that porcelain flesh.

Allen flushed with anger. "Why don't you just shut up? If you-"

"I don't see why someone like that idiot deserves such constancy," Kanda continued, ignoring the bite in the boy's scowl.

Deflating, Allen sighed, feeling the anger wash out of him as suddenly as it had come. He didn't know why, but lately it was much harder to be angry with this idiot, maybe because the man never seemed to notice when he was actually angry with him.

"He's much better than an insensitive jerk like you," he muttered.

For a movement, he thought that Kanda had flinched but that expression passed so quickly that it was hard to say if it was simply his imagination or not. Scoffing, the samurai sat beside him on the bed, his body turned away from his as if they dreaded to touch one another yet could not bear being too far apart.

"I fail to see what's so great about an imbecile like him," he said, utterly deadpan.

"Because you're biased," he calmly retorted, flicking a couple of white bangs out of his face.

"So are you."

Allen stubbornly turned his silver gaze to the white sheets around him, dirty and messy due to their previous activities.

"Because he's Lavi, I guess," he tried to explain, though he was aware of how feeble it sounded.

"That's it?" Kanda asked, thoroughly unimpressed. He laughed, no humor in it. "You really are hopeless, brat."

Allen shrugged half-heartedly, beginning to feel rather pensive.

"Don't bother chasing him," he said, delivering the cold, blunt facts of life. "Even if you chase after him, you'll never catch him. There are plenty of other idiots out there for you to choose from, _Moyashi_. Fuck, I still wonder how you fell for _that_ imbecile."

Allen frowned. It was easy for someone like Kanda to say that, someone like him who was not in love and who probably had never loved anyone in his whole life. He bet Kanda had it just fine. He should probably warn the other man to never fall in love with anyone, not unless he wanted to become the same mess that he was.

"Besides," Allen continued aloud, hoping to leave the painful subject of Lavi behind. He came here to forget, not to share his embarrassing misery, "Kanda's not the type to fall in love. I can't imagine you being in a romantic relationship with anyone. It's impossible!" he laughed.

Perhaps it was just his imagination, but Kanda seemed to stiffen at that. "Maybe you're right for once," he replied, more terse than usual.

Alarm bells ran in Allen's head, warning him of his insensitiveness. However, at that moment, he was too anxious to move away from the topic of Lavi that he recklessly plunged on. "I think a fuck buddy rather than a lover suits you more. Never fall in love, it'll be the death of you, _Bakanda_!"

For a long time, Kanda said nothing. He seemed to be contemplating the sixteen-year-olds' half-joking words with more earnestness than they credited. At length, he finally replied, "If that's how you feel than why not fall out of love? Or fall in love with another dumbass who will definitely return your feelings?"

A bit surprised with his companion's out of character behavior, he shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous!" He snorted but then, growing pensive, he turned his back to Kanda and sighed. "It…it's not as easy as you make it sound. If…if it's not Lavi it's no good."

Kanda was rather taken aback with this, so taken aback that, in fact, he allowed himself a short laugh. Leaning his head back, he stared at the ceiling. He could feel himself smiling through the humor of this situation that was lost to him.

"You…you really are an idiot."

Pouting, he threw another pillow at the taller boy's head. It was impossible to talk with this man, they were too different, too alike, to ever hold a decent conversation for longer than two seconds without insulting each other. Unlike with Lavi. Allen could talk with the red-head for hours without stop, his nervousness the only thing that brought an end to those warm afternoons in the library. Drawing a small smile on his lips, he felt a light dust of pink on his cheeks at the thought of the red-haired exorcist.

Yes. Lavi was much better than Kanda, there was no doubt about that.

Looking at the dark-haired man through half-lidded eyes, he gasped when he began to play with his chest, rough hands easing his legs open. Closing his eyes, he gripped a couple of dark tresses in his hand when a warm tongue teased his nipples, sucking on them, the soft brush of teeth against the sensitive skin making him shiver. Panting, he grunted when he was forced to sit up, eyes still tightly closed so he didn't notice what the other was doing until he was sitting on his lap, back against the Japanese's chest.

Eyelashes fluttering, he opened his eyes and let out a small gasp of surprise when something hard and hot touched his entrance. Bastard, wasn't he even going to prepare him first?

Chuckling, Kanda brushed his lips against his neck, holding his hips with both hands. "Like you said, we just fucked. You should still be loose enough for me, or do I need to stick my fingers in there too?"

Angry flush on his cheeks, he hit him as best as he could in this embarrassing position. "Just hurry up and do it, I want to go to sleep-"

Covering his mouth with both hands, he felt a shiver run through his whole body when Kanda raised his hips, dropping him on his member as he tightly clenched his eyes shut. Holding on to the man's arms, he bit his lower lip and looked at the door, hoping it was locked because if anyone came in right now the first thing they would see was him sitting on Kanda's cock, being penetrated again and again without stop. Letting out a soft moan, he leaned back against the other's chest and tried to forget about all of his worries, tried to forget about his stupidity and simply concentrated on the feeling of having this man inside of him. It wasn't Lavi, he knew that, but it didn't take too much effort for him to close his eyes and pretend he was somewhere else with someone else.

His eyes opened though, when a hand grabbed his face and turned it around, a pair of lips pressing against his own as Kanda's pace picked up speed and he was forced to bite his tongue to stop those embarrassing sounds from escaping his mouth. Bastard, this man was such a damn bastard, and how Allen wished he would stop depending on him so much. It was almost a need now, having to come to his room whenever he could get away with it, sleep with him and sometimes talk about how stupid he was for loving someone who would never love him back.

It was strange, talking with Kanda. He never thought it would be possible for someone like him to listen, listen and sometimes say something in return. It was strange, but not unwanted. He was the only one who knew about his feelings for the future bookman, so in a way, he was Allen's only way to feel better. Despite the insults, the fights, Kanda made him feel better, made him come out of his state of self-pity.

He wasn't Lavi, he would never be Lavi, but it was better than nothing. It was better than being alone. After all, Allen didn't hate Kanda, he didn't love him either, but they at least had this sort of twisted comradeship that benefited them both.

If it was enough for him, it was enough for Kanda too, right? Or so he hoped. He didn't want to feel like he was taking advantage of the older exorcist. Which was actually stupid if he stopped to think about it. Kanda knew he was in love with the red-head, had known from the very beginning, and besides, the man hated him. Neither of them were taking advantage of the other, they both knew what they had gotten in to, so Allen had nothing to feel guilty about.

Moving his hips by his own accord, he leaned his head against one of the samurai's shoulders, squeezing the man's erection between his thighs every once in a while as Kanda continued to move inside of him. Brushing away sweaty bangs with his right hand, he let out a soft sigh, not wanting to interrupt the other one despite that this position was starting to become a bit uncomfortable. He was sore, sure, but he had never said stop. It felt good, it always felt good. Having sex with Kanda always felt pleasurable, there had never been a time when he hadn't enjoyed it.

Blinking, he tried to look at him when the swordsman moved, blush on his cheeks growing hotter when hands spread his legs further apart, the speed of Kanda's movements increasing. Nails digging into the skin of the older man's arms, the pushed down in time with Kanda's thrusts, licking his lips as he hit that spot inside of him again and again, forcing him to arch his back against his chest. Closing his eyes, he tried to block out the sound of skin hitting skin, murmuring a name that definitely didn't belong to this man.

"Damn it, Kanda!"

Angry, face buried in the pillows, Allen tried to kick the bastard now kneeling behind him, holding his hips in place so he wouldn't move. How many timed had he told him that he could fuck him any way he wanted except like _this_? Was his head really that thick, or did he just like to piss him off? Gripping the bed sheets underneath him with his hands, he breathed in slowly and tried calm himself down. Getting mad wouldn't do a thing, so he simply looked at anything that wasn't his partner's face and waited for him to finish so he could go back to bed.

His body stiffened though, his eyes completely wide and his heart stopped beating when he heard sounds coming from outside Kanda's door.

"Hey, Yu, I brought that thing you asked me for and-holy shit."

Allen had never seen Lavi blush in all the time he had known him, had never seen him look embarrassed or awkward because he always seemed so confident and sure of himself. That's what had made him take notice of him the first time they had met, how the red-head always spoke his mind without caring what others would think or say about him. He aspired to be like that, to have that much confidence in himself. It made him like Lavi even more.

But right now, all he wanted was for the earth to open up swallow him.

There was a dark blush on Lavi's cheeks, one green eye wide underneath red bangs as he stood frozen still near Kanda's door, clutching a brown bag to his chest, his mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words to use. Swallowing with difficulty, the red-head looked away as quickly as possible from the two people in the bed, tripping in his haste to move and get out of here before he saw more of his two best friends than he ever wanted to know about them. His cheeks were on fire, sweat running down his brow and he covered his eye with his right hand when he accidentally saw a flash of pale skin against a lightly sun-kissed one.

"Crap, I-I'm sorry! Fuck, I didn't know you two were boning each other here-I mean, shit, Yu, you could at least put up a sign or something!" he babbled, words rushed and full of his evident embarrassment at finding them together like this. Of all the things he had imagined they could be doing, this had been the last one in the list. Hell, he hadn't even known they were both here.

Turning his back to them, he tried to slow down the rapid beatings of his heart, hand still covering his one green eye. "I'll…I'll just leave this here and, um, come back another time when you're not fuck-busy," he weakly said, voice chocked up and feeling a little bit queasy when he heard muffled sounds and the creaking of the bed. Oh dear sweet mother of Jesus, he was going to have nightmares tonight. He was never going to get the image of his two best friends fucking out of his head.

Close to fainting, that hot blush still on his cheeks, he practically threw himself at the door and fought with the lock for a couple of seconds before he hastily opened the damn door and got the hell out while trying to forget about everything he had seen. Never again, this was the last time he went in Yu's room without knocking first.

"For fuck's sake, he was bound to find out at some point, imbecile," Kanda said, hands still on his hips even after Lavi had left the room. Placing a chaste kiss on his shoulder, he pulled out of the younger boy, having lost his mood after the red-head had interrupted them.

Wrapping his arms around the snow-haired boy's shoulders, he buried his face in his pale throat and yawned. "What's with that look, kid?"

Allen barely registered the tears running down his cheeks, could barely even breathe as he numbly pushed the other off of him and mechanically began to pick up his discarded clothes from the floor. Hands trembling, he began to get dressed as fast as possible, not caring that his shirt was half-buttoned and that the scent of sex was still clinging to him as he rushed to the door, hand on the doorknob before he was roughly turned around slammed against the door.

Glaring at him, tears now damping his red cheeks, he tried to say something through the deep feeling of humiliation clogging his lungs. "Get your hands off of me, Kanda."

Clicking his tongue, he saw the other roll his eyes. "And what? You're going to go after him and tell him that this wasn't what it looked like? That we weren't fucking, that his innocent little Allen Walker wasn't moaning like a bitch in heat under me?"

His words hit him dead on, increasing that awful feeling in his chest as well as the wretched humiliation. "I don't see how that's any of your business, now let go of me or I swear I'll-"

"Or you'll what?" Invading his personal even further, the man smirked at him, slamming a hand next to his head, startling him. "You should be thanking me, idiot. It was about time you told him the truth."

"What truth?" he practically hissed, pushing against his chest. "What the hell are you talking about, and get off!"

He let out a muffled protest when their lips were pressed together, hitting the man's back when those strong arms wrapped themselves around his body, pulling him closer to a strong and naked chest. Biting his tongue when he forced his mouth open, he yanked on his long hair and turned towards the door only to be grabbed and thrown down on the bed, closely followed by a bigger body pressing down on him. He slammed his knee in his abdomen when he pinned his wrists down, straddling him as Allen tried to buck him off.

Dark hair falling around him, breathing heavily and with a light flush of anger on his cheeks, Kanda glared down at him. "When the hell are you going to realize that he doesn't feel the same way you feel about him?"

"Why do you care so much, it's none of your business who I choose to fall in love with!" he snapped, furious, a dark blush on his cheeks as he tried to push the other exorcist off of him. "Now get off, you're suffocating me."

His body was trembling, and he didn't want Kanda to take that the wrong way. He tried to blink away the tears in his eyes, but a new batch ran down his cheeks either way. Oh, God. Lavi had seen, he'd seen him underneath his best friend, seen how…Covering his mouth with his hand, he tried to drown out his sobs as calloused hands began to get rid of his clothes.

Lavi had seen, he'd seen him fooling around with Kanda. With his best friend, of all people. Closing his eyes, he gritted his teeth and wrapped his arms around himself, needing some sort of comfort and knowing he wouldn't get it from the man on top of him.

How was he going to look him in the eye from now on? There was no way the red-head didn't hate now, wasn't disgusted with him. He wouldn't even be able to be his friend now, he wouldn't be able to stay close to him, to simply love him from afar. No, he wouldn't be able to have even that anymore. Not anymore, not after Lavi had seen him in such a shameful position. Those cozy little afternoons in the library wouldn't happen again, he wouldn't be able to laugh and smile with Lavi without the red-head thinking he was Kanda's lover, that he was in love with his best friend when he was actually in love with him. Him, it had always been him, always. And now, now…

"I told you the rabbit doesn't care who you fuck," Kanda interrupted his thoughts, licking his throat, kissing his shoulder. "As long as you don't have a pair of breasts and another hole down there he won't give you a second glance. To him, you'll always be his 'baby brother'."

Shut up, he wanted to say. Shut up, you don't know how I feel. You don't, you don't.

Pulling his hands away from his face, the dark-haired man clicked his tongue when he saw his miserable expression and the tears still freely running down his face. "Just give up on him, stop being so damn stupid."

"Shut up," he whispered, words shaky. "Shut up. You don't understand because you've never felt something for someone that wasn't hatred, so just shut up."

"Heh." Letting go of his wrists, Kanda pulled back, still straddling him as he grinned cruelly down at him. "You're a fucking hypocrite. Sure, you claim to love him but every time he looks away you sneak into my room and let me fuck you however I want. And you always come back, always."

Closing his eyes, he looked away from him, wishing he could cover his ears. He didn't want to listen to this, he didn't. He didn't need Kanda to tell him all of this because he already knew he was a horrible, disgusting person. And ugly, lonely people like him didn't deserve someone as good as Lavi. But he had at least hoped he would be able to stay by his side, at least that.

Pulling his shirt down his shoulders, Kanda scoffed at him, most then likely thinking how much of a weakling he was. Which was true. If he was strong, if he was brave like Kanda he would have told Lavi about his feelings a long time ago, and maybe they would have had a small chance to be together. But that was impossible now, after what the red-head had seen, even the smallest chance Allen had had of Lavi returning his feelings was gone. So Kanda had every reason to think he was a weakling. If he had been in his place, Kanda wouldn't think twice about telling the person he cared for that he loved them. He would have done anything to make that person love him too, because he was a fighter, and he never gave up on his missions. Unlike him, unlike Allen.

Even so, it hurt. It hurt so much, knowing his love would never be returned. He had already known, but somehow, this had made the truth that more real. It made him see that he really had no chance with the red-head, would never have one. Not ever.

Wrapping his arms around the Japanese's neck when he pressed their bodies closer together, he hiccupped, shoulders trembling and he bit his lower lip to try to stop those stupid tears. He didn't know how it was possible for Kanda to make him feel better, how being close to him made him forget a bit of his pain. But it did, and right now, despite that it was selfish and horrible, he wanted to feel that contradicting warmth.

It wasn't Lavi, but maybe it would be enough for tonight. He would settle for this for a little bit longer, or at least until he didn't need this drug of choice anymore. It was bad for him, really bad, but he always came back for more despite that he was betraying the love he felt for the one he really cared for.

"But I do love him," he whispered, sure the other wouldn't be able to hear him. More tears running down his cheeks, he clutched Kanda's shoulders and buried his face in his chest. "I love him, I always will. If it's not Lavi it's no good."

Shuddering, he closed his eyes, wishing today had never happened, that things could go back to normal again. Maybe that's why de didn't notice the way Kanda gently patted his back, nor did he see the bitter smile the man drew on his lips.

"I know. Lavi always gets everything, doesn't he?"

**Owari~**

**Final Notes: **Phew, this was really, _really_ rushed. And really crappy too. I'll come back and fix it when I have time. Anyway, yes, this is a sad story of unrequited love all over the place. I think the only one who turned out to be happy was Lavi, since he didn't really know what the hell was going on, lol. Also, before you ask, I don't know if Kanda planned the whole 'Lavi walks in on them' thing to crush Allen's hopes, I really don't (want to know). Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. The world will never know, but what we do know is that he's a bastard who doesn't mind playing dirty to get what he wants :D

**(1) **Waah! Don't make me say anything, I'm crying again, damn it *sobs* Fucking irony of life, fucking ch. 186, fuck it, just fuck it.

**(2) **This was Yullen, not Laven, kay? I don't want to hear about how sad my Laven is or whatever. There were _hints _but that's as far as I go, and for my hubby only.

Ehem. Well, I hope you had a good birthday, Mr. **Kaza**! The wonderful **Abreaction **and I promise to finish your real present once she gets her comp back, we promise, okay? Well, hope you liked~


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